I wanna be a Rockstar

It's no secret that I am a fan of reality singing competitions. Idol is a common topic of conversation in the Spring months and last summer, I mentioned Rockstar: INXS on more than one occasion. A few weeks ago, I began watching Rockstar: Supernova not only for the joy of watching another reality singing competition but also because Tommy Lee is one of those people that you can compare to a crash of the locomotive kind, cannot turn away. But last night, while I was baking brownies and waiting for Rockstar to come on (I know, I'm so domestic), I found a little program entitled Celebrity Duets. I heard in the media that it is a Simon Cowell produced show, and Simon Cowell is kind of a big deal to me, that is, when he's not bearing an ensemble which accentuates his man-fur. So I watched.

And. Could. Not. Turn. Away. It was like Celeb Reality, only on a major network. But the washed-up celebs were not fat and trying to lose weight or living in a house trying to hook up with America's next top model. No, they were choosing to humiliate themselves on national television because they think they have talent and can make it in the recording industry. There was Lucy Lawless (who knew she was from New Zealand?) looking all Charlie's Angels and singing "Time, Love, and Tenderness" with Michael Bolton. So not only do we have washed up celebrities, no. We have washed up musicians too! Hoorah! And. AND! The judges. There was Marie Osmond, who at one point yelled to the audience, "Hey! I have sung before!" when they boo'ed one of her comments. Then Little Richard in the middle. I did not know there could ever be a more incoherent middle judge on a reality singing program than Paula Abdul, but au contraire, FOX found one. Then David Foster, because his little taste of singing competitions when he spent a day yelling at the Idols about how he made Celine Dion who she is now and making them lie down on the ground and SING LOUDER must have left him wanting more.

It only got better from there. Carlton (who's face has inflated quite a bit since the good 'ol Fresh Prince days) sang with that third Destiny's Child girl who apparently hasn't had anything to eat since Beyonce and Kelly left her for solo careers and rap mogul boyfriends. Some little gymnast girl butchered that song from that movie with the mouse and that other mouse that miss each other and sing out their windows about the other being somewhere out there, when in reality the other mouse was probably at the next house over but in mouse terms that is like, another country. Then Cheech Marin (what?) sang with Peter Frampton, that is, if you can call it singing. Then Caroline in the City shared 40 very awkward seconds with Randy Travis wearing some corset on the outside get-up. As if the wardrobes could not get any worse, one of the Queer Eye guys walked on stage in what looked like a leather apron number. I really don't know what he sang but I do remember that they gave him a standing ovation and there was something about him setting the bar which really doesn't say much considering the quality of performances thus far. And the awkwardness, apparently there was not enough of it. Chris Jericho (please, let's not mention how the 80's, he just walked out of them) decided to sing with, and grope, Lee Ann Womack. Lee Ann kept taking a step backwards every time Chris went for her hair or her arm again. At one point she was just trying to leave the stage but Chris had a hold of her hand and would. not. let. go. Until his lips, they touched her hand. I felt sorry for most of the singers, but most of all Lee Ann. The last celeb was Hal Sparks. Why Hal, WHY? Can you not picture yourself in 5 years on I Love the 2000's mocking yourself? Did you not consider what your friends over at Best Week Ever might say? Why are you doing this to us? How can you participate in such a travesty? Please, please go back to reminiscing and singing, "I only hear what I want to, I don't listen hard, don't pay attention..."

The 9 o'clock hour saved me from the torture and I was able to turn the channel to Rockstar where I enjoyed Magni rockin' "I Alone" by Live and Storm crashing and burning on that Evanescense song where she stupidly asked Toby to sing back-up (hello! The girls love Toby, Toby will get all the attention if you share a stage with him). Ah, sweet justice.