I'll be home for Christmas Day

The last time I was home (in the Keys) for Christmas was in 2001. I cannot believe that it has been four years. Not to say that I haven't been with my family at Christmas, because you should know by now that no OFO is without at least one other OFO on Christmas. 2002 was the year of OFO's in Disney. 2003, Christmas was in Kentucky, then on to Indiana. 2004 was Christmas in DC with my mama, then family Christmas in Delaware the next day (also the year of the infamous NYC trip). But this year, I will be home in the Keys with my mom, my sister, and my brother-in-law.

The last time I was in Florida for a significant amount of time was in May of 2004. It is unbelievable that I have not been home in so long. I guess it is a sign of growing up and moving on. When I was there in 2004, I don't think I saw very many people. I do not remain in contact with people from high school. I have nothing in common with them. I probably haven't seen people since I moved to Kentucky over 3 years ago. Meaning, there are about 40 pounds missing from me since the last time anyone from high school saw me. You would think this would make me feel good. That I have grown up, got a "career", and shed some poundage. But no. I am so nervous about going to Church on Christmas Eve. I know that I will see all kinds of people from high school there (I went to the school associated with the Church). This will be the only place that I will be unable to avoid conversations, no grocery aisles to duck behind. I know that they will look at me and immediately judge me. They will think, "Oh my gosh. She STILL isn't married." Or "I can't believe she lost weight, she must be bulimic." Or "Why doesn't she ever come back to the Keys, does she think she's too good for us?" Maybe this is my overly self-conscious mind jumping to conclusions, but I really don't think so. These are things that I can hear certain people saying, things that I have probably heard come out of their mouths about someone else. Almost as bad, I am dreading all the Church women and my mom's friends telling me how good I look. I know they mean well, but to me, it feels like they are saying, "Karyn, you were so fat and ugly before, but now that you have lost weight, you can participate in society." And I really don't want to hear the most dreaded question, "So, are you seeing anyone special?" Maybe these are the reasons I stay away from the Keys. I did move on. I never really fit in there, and now that I have in a sense "found myself", I still don't. Probably more so than ever.

But this isn't a post about what I'm dreading. This is a post about what I am looking forward to. I will get to see my dad and hang out in a house with 4 dogs (including my Abby and my favorite little shih-tzu, Riley). I get to bake cookies and take them to some pseudo-step-family. I get to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve morning with my dad, my sister, Steve, and the 4 dogs. I get to finally return to the Keys later that day and watch football and fight with Steve over who's going to be the fantasy football champion. I get to go to the Christmas Eve Church service that I grew up with and sing carols and Krista and I will send Steve to walk down the aisle to light our family candle because neither of us want to do it. I get to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ with my closest family members. I get to go home and change into pajamas and sit around the Christmas tree as each of us "kids" opens one gift. I get to set out cookies and milk for Santa. I get to curl up as mom reads us The Night Before Christmas. I get to wake up in the morning and sneakily stuff the stocking stuffers I brought in people's stockings. I get to drink coffee and gather in the bedroom to read about the birth of Jesus Christ. I get to watch the joy and surprise on my family's faces as they each open up their gifts. I get to watch even more football and argue with Steve about who's going to be the fantasy football champion. I get to stuff myself on Christmas dinner and fall asleep that night thinking about what a great Christmas it has been. And I get to wake up the next morning and go shopping.

It will be a Christmas marked with traditions of my childhood. I have no hesitation in saying that it will feel just as magical to me now, at 25, as it did twenty years ago. I love Christmas. I love Jesus. And I love my family. I will be home on Christmas.